Helping Or Enabling? 4 Tips To Break Free Of Dysfunctional Helping Relationships

4 January 2016

Jaime Allen

Dysfunctional helping relationships are relationships where one person is typically designated in the helping role, while the other person is enabled by the helper. Sometimes these relationships are described as codependent and it can be difficult to identify the problem and break free of their cyclic nature.

Take A Hard Look At Yourself

It is easy to be critical of the other person involved and label them as enabled. However, you need to spend time reflecting on the underlying reasons you have allowed dysfunctional relationships to start or continue. Be honest and acknowledge the relationship is self-serving in some way. Dysfunctional helping relationships can have a twisted way of giving your life purpose and helping combat loneliness. You may look over previous relationships and determine the only way you seem to become close to others is when you assume the helping role.

Differentiate Between Need And Want

One of the hallmarks of dysfunctional helping relationships is the desire to be needed. You may inadvertently seek out relationships where you feel needed, as opposed to wanted. The people you seek out are often troubled in some way and you may feel like you can "fix" them or their situation. This only continues the vicious cycle of finding yourself stuck in the helping role. Learning the difference between a person needing or wanting you in their life can help you determine which relationships are built on meaningful connections. Ask yourself, if you were not selflessly dutiful, would this relationship even exist?

Say "No" And Mean It

Some dysfunctional helping relationships are harder to address than others. It is much easier to break free of a casual acquaintance than a family member you have loved for decades. Part of changing the dynamics of your relationship is using the word "No." Even when the other party is more than capable of accomplishing some task on their own, you likely agree to accomplish the task for them.

Agreeing to their demands not only validates your role in the relationship, but it also prevents you from feeling as if you are abandoning or being unhelpful to them.  Declining to be a constant source of enablement does little if you are not consistent. The other party will soon realize if they prod long enough, you will eventually come around.

Be "Selfish"

When you are not being of service to others, you likely feel selfish or have been called selfish by the other party. Part of breaking free from the cycle of dysfunctional helping relationships is engaging in activities that are fulfilling and helpful to you alone. Even small steps can make a significant impact on feelings of guilt and help you develop new ways of forming relationships. For example, limiting phone calls with the other party to five or 10 minutes because you need to complete other activities or have time for yourself is not selfish, even if the other party says so. Being self-sacrificing or self-sabotaging is not the same as compromising or being helpful.

There is no guaranteed fix for dysfunctional helping relationships. Finding value and purpose beyond the helper role can allow you to start building healthy relationships. If you have relationship problems, contact a therapist, such as Dr Jed Turnbull.   

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